so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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