Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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