she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
