i came on her dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
