They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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