checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
