so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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