Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She even gives head with a lisp.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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