I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
