I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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