I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
