We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
