I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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