so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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