I wanna passion pit in your ass
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
