I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
