So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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