How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
