He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
