she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
