whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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