did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
