the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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