8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
