i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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