whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
