drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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