Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
