I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
