wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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