Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
