Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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