She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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