Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
