In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
