i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize