I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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