it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We need to get me chipped asap
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
