I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize