My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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