I will die if light touches me.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
