A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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