I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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