I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
