My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
