So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
