Your face is a jimmy john
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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