Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
