I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just gift wrapped bread.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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