Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
