come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
