i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
