finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
