I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize