hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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