Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
