You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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