I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
